Angels and the Truth

When I was young my mother told me that God loved me, and that there were angels, guardian angels who looked over us, who protected us, who saved us. And it is until now I see that there is no such thing. I see no angels have ever looked over me. I see no angels saving me. I see myself getting pulled into a deeper, darker whole. I’m drowning in my own emotions. I’m at an all time low, and I will not allow the one person that I trust, that I care for with all my heart to get pulled down with me. It is not going to be allowed. I will not let this deep dark whole swallow her along with me.

“Mulder” I hear the familiar words as it pounds against the door.

“Mulder? is everything ok?” I hear as the pounding get’s louder.

“Mulder you are scarring me, I’m very worried about you, I’m going to allow myself in” I hear as Scully stops pounding ans I hear the keys jiggle.

And she is worried, I haven’t been to work in a week. I’ve given up. I’ve layed in the same spot on my couch for 10 days and I’ve starred at the same pictures on the wall, I’ve starred at the picture of Scully and Me, and I cried. I cried for her, I cried for putting her through everything. I cried for for all the pain I’ve caused her and then I cry some more for myself.

What a lonely, paranoid, sad, creep I am. I’m not a real man, I don’t even deserve to be in the same country as Scully, I shouldn’t even be on the same planet as her. There is no way I can repay her for what I have caused to be taken from her. There is no way I can repay her for all the tears she has cried silently. Our job is over, the X-files have been repossessed from us. No more AD Skinner, No more little green men, no more ufo’s, no more scully. My life has been taken away from me. No more Scully. I can’t believe I just thaught that. The bridge I’ve built myself for the future, has been torn down. There is no way to get to where I wanted. No transportation, no motivation. No Scully.

As I burry my head in the couch Scully comes through the front door. Great! Now I put her through the pain of seeing me like this. I get to show her my bad side, what a macho man she is missing out on.

“Mulder? Scully kneels down in front of me as my back is turned and I am nestled against the back of the couch. “I’m sorry Mulder”

“Mulder, why didn’t you call me? I’ve been worried about you. I’ve tried calling you, you never answered, you never checked your email, your voicemail, your answering machine.” Scully sounded sad. “I’m sorry Mulder, I know there is nothing that can replace what has been taken from you. That a simple object could take away so much.” Scully’s hands ran through my hair. and down my arm to my hand. “We can get it back Mulder, We can find the truth, We can start over. All we need is each other, Mulder.” I sigh sadly with anger.

“We’ll never find it Scully. Your just wasting your time here trying to help me. Why do you do it Scully? Why?” I turn around to face her with red swollen eyes. “Scully, why do you come here to me? Why do you come here after I.. after I… after I stole your happiness, after I caused you pain. Scully, Can’t you see that I am the cause of this? That you being around me is just putting you in danger?” I start sobbing… “That it wasn’t meant to turn out this way Scully, and that it’s my fault. There is no way to turn it around. And Scully I’m scarring you now Scully. I’M SCARRING YOU!!!! I’M YET THE CAUSE OF SOMETHING ELSE! IT’S ALL MY FAULT isn’t it?” I get softer. “Don’t you know that you are the only person that gives a Damn about me?” My voice cracks, “WHY!?! WHY do you keep coming back?” A Tear rolls down my check, “Why me scully? Why you? I’m so Sorry” My head lowers as Scully comes to catch it.

“It’s ok mulder.” Scully rubs my back. “Mulder, Listen up. I keep coming back because I care so much about you. Because I believe in you Mulder. Because I care about you. You have been my life for the past 6 years mulder, and I wouldn’t trade a moment, a single moment, of it for anything else. I can’t repay you Mulder. You went to the end of the world for me. Yes, and you saved me. You did that Mulder. You’ve done so much more for me. And we can Do this Mulder. We can rebuild what we had. I know It’ll never be the same” she sounds like an angel. “But we can both work at it.” Her voice goes lower. “You just don’t know how much I care about you Mulder. I love you. I love you more than you could ever imagine. I want you to know that. I want you to understand that. I want you to know that a fire can’t burn down what we have. It can’t take away what we have given each other.” Scully whispers as she cups my face in her hands, “You have to open your eyes Mulder.” My eyes look down to the floor. “You have to see what you are denying. Look at me Mulder.. Look into my eyes.” I slowly look up, but I can’t see through the blur. “Mulder” Her eyes are like ice, and they sooth the fire in my soul. I know she sees the smoke in my eyes. “You haven’t caused me any pain Mulder. Stop doing this to yourself.” She puts her hands on my shoulders. “You mean so much to me.”

I’m startled and I realize how insensitive I’ve just been.

“Oh God Scully. I’m so Sorry.” Tears fill my eyes. I can’t hold it in anymore. My head drops to her shoulders. Emotion bottled up for years pours out like waves crashing upon shore. I have denied the truth, the truth that is right in front of me. I’m so Lucky to have her understaning, her caring, her love, and I’ve taken advantage of it all by not seeing it. By being a blind man, stuborn and ignorant. I’m so Sorry Scully. I’m so sorry I’ve treated you as my doormat. That I would deny it as I have.

Time stops as I sob my last sob, shed my last tear. “I’m so Sorry Scully. I’ve denied my life. Searching for the answers that weren’t there. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for pulling you in this black whole. For dragging you along and useing you as a doormat. For taking advantage of you”

“No Mulder. I wanted to be there Mulder. Every step. It was was worth it.”

“Mulder it’s ok. I understand.” Scully’s voice sounds like a miracle.

And it is ok.


Leave a Reply