Back in the Snow

I am standing in front of one of the large windows in the living room. I see the sun rise slowly behind the trees and feel the first sunrays on my skin. I listen to the chirping of the first birds. I love how, at this time of the year, the trees and shrubs are shining in a green and the flowers in front of our house are blooming. Everything is so vibrant. Until now, it all suggests that this day, like the last one, would be a sunny, warm summer day. But today will not be an ordinary summer day for me. Today I will marry Alan.
At the thought I had to smile and became warm. For so long I was looking forward to this moment. We had known each other for an eternity, and we both have shared so much together. I touched the long lace sleeves of my white dress. This day seemed to me still like a dream, a wish, but now it was.

Although this day was just for Alan and myself, I could not help but think that this thought, which had been around me in my head for almost three years, was back. The thought of my first husband and first love, Sir Thomas Sharpe. Alan and I had not talked about the events back then, and Alan tried to avoid talking to Thomas. Outside of our house there was not and this also seemed to apply within the house. But I’d probably never stop thinking about Thomas, and I think Alan knows that too.

After Alan freed me from Crimson Peak, we moved to a new city. No one should ever know what happened. Not that the siblings Thomas and Lucille Sharpe have ever played a role in our lives. Alan and I disregarded the subject and we were well received in the new city. Even though we were already living together without being married, we were received with open arms, even though it was mainly due to the fact that the city needed a new doctor, whom they found in Alan. We have made some nice announcements and also made friendships.

We found a nice, light house, in which we quickly entered and felt very comfortable. Probably I would have been happy with a shed as long as that meant I did not have to live in this terrible house, that I shared with Sir Thomas and his sister for a short time. At first I thought that only three of us lived in this house, but I was taught another. Not only the spirits of the wife of Thomas, who were murdered in this house, as well as the spirit of the baby of Lucille, also the mother of the siblings always seemed to be present. I still remember exactly the unpleasant feeling I got when I stood in front of the woman’s giant painting and it was as if she were watching us at all.
I did not like the house when I did not know about the uninformed roommates. It was impressive by its huge size and there was certainly a time when the villa had been beautiful, but there was not much left of it. The wind whistled through all the rooms and through the hole in the roof you were not protected from cold, snow or rain. The sound that made the house sink, and the water from the cock dyed red, worried me. Thomas’s invention, which was to solve the problem and bring us money at the same time, did not calm me at all.

But now I lived in this beautiful house, which neither threatened to sink, nor had holes in the roof, and the best thing was that I did not have to share it with Lucille. Every time I think of this woman, I get goose bumps. The thought that she wanted to poison me, and almost made it, is almost intolerable. She made no big secret that she could not stand me from the beginning. However, I was so naive and thought that we would surely understand each other when we got to know each other better. After all, we were a family. But I could never have guessed what was really behind her hatred.
I tried to push the thought of this horrible woman out of my head. Today she should have no place. But she was there. Not only because she has made my life the hell of me and almost ended it, but also because she took something very valuable to me. This is probably the reason why I have no problem with remembering the moment I slapped Lucille with the shovel. The feeling of relief that I was now safe, but also the feeling of revenge, which both of me suddenly flowed over.

I will never forgive myself for letting myself into Thomas Shape. I was to blame that my father was no longer living. He had warned me from the beginning. He knew from the outset that something was wrong with the siblings. I wish I had listened to him. I also wish I had understood Mother’s warning, which she gave me from the hereafter, when I was a child. But how could I have guessed that the property was Allerdale Hall Crimson Peak?
Now I would go to the altar afterwards, without the accompaniment of my father. Alan’s father offered to accompany me as he knew, of course, the murder of my father, even if for him, as for all other relatives and acquaintances, the murderer, or rather the murderer, remained unknown.

I had a lump in my throat and was close to tears. But after I breathed in and exhaled a few times, closed my eyes and enjoyed the sun on my face, I calmed down. I tried to distract myself and thought of the day that came to me today. I felt the short veil on my shoulders and imagined that I would soon be with Alan before the altar. I got butterflies in my stomach. I could feel myself getting excited. I could hardly wait to marry Alan.
Alan always gave me the warm feeling of home and security. He is so handsome to talk and laugh with him for hours. He was so long in my life and we are so confident. It is always nice to spend time with him. He cares so well for me and always wants me to be fine. I will never be able to thank him enough for what he did for me. He risked his own life to save me and free me from this hell.
But even though I love Alan very much, it is different from what Thomas did with him. Thomas looked at me and a thousand butterflies buzzed around my stomach. I will never forget the moment when we met for the first time and he gave me the probably biggest compliment I ever got. He praised my writing. I’ve often had mockery and criticism that I write as a woman’s stories. But not Thomas. He took me seriously from the start and liked what I wrote.
Thomas was a fascinating man. He seemed to be able to read my thoughts when he looked at me and immediately read off my every wish. He could make you feel something special, like our first waltz. It was as if all the people had disappeared in the room, and there was only me and Thomas dancing together.
I also always enjoyed spending time with him in his workshop. Like his eyes shone like a little boy’s Christmas, when he showed me a new invention. The hours on the attic in his workshop were always very nice until they were almost interrupted by Lucille almost every time.
I have shared so many moments with Thomas I will never forget. Our first meeting, the first dance, our first kiss, the night we spent, thanks to a storm, in the post office. However, I will never forget the terrible things that he has done to me. As he had before me several married women whom he had married only because of their money, how he had married me only because of my money, how he allowed his sister to poison me slowly and the worst moment of all, as he was unfaithful to me with his own sister.

Alan would never do such a thing to me, but Alan will never release the tingling, the fascination, the feelings as Thomas could.

I was torn from my thoughts by a knock. Alan’s sister was waiting for me. She had come to fetch me and accompany me to the church. So I stepped out of the front door of our house on this warm summer morning, and proceeded to the church where Alan, my future husband, would wait for me before the altar.

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