The audience in Kitchen Stadium grew silent as a flash of spotlights on a central location suggested the beginning of yet another grand Iron Chef presentation. Spike Spiegel rose from nowhere up into the lights, unto his usual platform, by means of a lift. He lifted his hands, which were covered by his ‘out-flying-the-Swordfish-around’ gloves, and began to speak to the audience.
“Tonight in Kitchen Stadium, our very own Iron Chef Bellpeppers and Beef, Chef Jet Black, will be facing his toughest opponent yet.” As Spike spoke, Chef Jet Black arose unto another platform in front of a big bellpeppers and beef painting. “He will facing off against child genius Chef Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tivrusky 4th.” Chef Ed walked in from a side door followed by Assistant Chef Ein, who was nipping at her heels. “Alright!” Spike continued, seeing that the opponents were both present. “Let the games begin!”
“Wait wait!” Chef Jet Black screamed. “I have to put on my special cooking glasses.”
“Oh for the love of- Just hurry up.” Spike said annoyed
Jet pulled out his Ray Ban ‘I-look-like-somebody’s-grandmother-out-for-a-Sunday-drive” sunglasses and put them on. “Ready!” he said
“Stupid little…” Spike started, but then remember the young children watching at home. He cleared his throat. “Tonight’s ingredients are bellpeppers and beef.” Spike said as a huge cloak was removed from a giant table in the center of kitchen stadium, revealing hundreds of whole bellpeppers and giant slabs of beef. “While the chefs begin to prepare their meals, let me take this time to introduce our judges.”
The camera turns towards the judge’s panel. “First we have Vicious.” Spike said. “He is a Chinese gangster and an overall evil guy.” Vicious smiles and waves.
The camera moves on to the next person. “Next, there’s the lovely and talented Julia. This lovely lady was suppose to kill me once but lived a life of hell because she didn’t.” Julia smiles and waves as well.
“And here is Faye Valentine, who nobody really likes because she’s annoying and talks too much and gets in trouble too much and causes me to loose money. And on top of that’s she kind of a-”
Faye suddenly reaches all the way to the platform and begins to choke Spike. “Why you!!!” She screams as Spike turns blue. The studio guards come and pull her off him and return her to the judge’s panel.
Spike rubs his neck and coughs a bit. “And finally, by some great misfortune, our last judge is Andy.” Spike grumbles to himself. “He’s a samurai now. But he use to be a big pain in the butt!” Andy nods to the camera.
“Alright. Now back to the action.” Spike says as the camera switches to a scene of Chef Jet Black beginning to cook.
Jet is chopping bellpeppers up and putting them into a pan.
“What is he doing Spike?” Andy asks.
“He appears to be placing the bellpeppers in this pan at a low simmer so that the natural juices will come out and provide the dish with a bit more taste.” Spike answers observing Jet.
Meanwhile, Ed pulls out her computer and begins to hack into ‘100 sure fire recipes that will help you win an Iron Chef competition just in case you happen to be in one.com’. “Alrighty right!” She screams as she is allowed access to the site. Ein barks in agreement.
“Is she allowed to do that?” Julia asks.
Spike pulls out his rulebook. “Well… I don’t see anything in here against it… so I don’t see why not…”
“That’s not fair!” Chef Jet Black whines as he looks over to check out the progress of his opponent.
“Then why don’t you read the stupid rule book and find some rule against it. Because I sure can’t find a thing.” Spike throws the twenty-pound rulebook at Jet.
“AHHHH!” Jet ducks just in time to avoid the thing and it crashes into some fine china instead.
“That’s coming out of your salary.” Spike told Jet.
“But I’m not that one that-”
A voice comes from a series of speakers, interrupting Jet. “Thirty minutes left.”
“And now for a commercial break.” Spike says grinning.
~~~~”Howdy y’all. Tonight at ten o’clock, make sure to have your computers tuned to the late edition of Big Shots, the show all about and for bounty hunters. Tonight we’ve got a jam-packed show! And a bounty reaching 300,000,000! Wow! Hope to see ya there!”~~~~
The show tunes back. Spike is not paying attention. He’s writing something on his hand. “Tonight at ten. Big Shots. 300,000,000 bounty. Right.” He says rereading his hand.
“Spike! You’re back on!” a producers screams from the background.
“Oh… uh… Welcome back viewers.” Spike greets the crowd. “The last time we checked on our chefs, Chef Jet Black was simmering bellpeppers in their natural juices and Chef Ed was challenging the very foundations of the Iron Chef competition! Let’s see what they’re up to now.”
The camera zooms in on Jet. He’s just standing there watching the peppers simmer.
“Wow! Our Iron Chef sure must have some confidence if he can just stand there staring like an idiot!” Jet throws a pot at Spike.
“Who’s the idiot?”
“OWWWIEE!” Spike falls over. “I’m ok… The show must go on.”
The camera then turns to Chef Ed and her assistant Chef Ein. Ein barks.
“Good idea Ein! More pepper!” Ed empties a bottle of pepper in a dish.
“Oh my goodness! It looks like Chef Ed is already on her third dish!” Spike notes.
“Hmm… what’s that yummy dish?” Julia asks Spike.
“Not now Julia.” Spike answers. “Not in front of all these people.”
“I think she was referring to that you idiot!” Faye says, pointing at one of Chef Ed’s prepared dishes.
“Of course. I knew that. It appears that Chef Ed has hollowed out a bellpepper and placed a mixture of beef, jalapeno cheese, tomatoes, and rice inside.” Spike’s stomach grumbles. “And that dish appears to be beef and bellpeppers kabobs on bamboo sticks. And that one is bellpeppers and beef stirfry! Awww! My stomach!” Spike grabs him stomach, falls to the floor, and rolls around a bit.
Jet still remains watching his simmering bellpeppers. He eventually reached over and placed some chopped onions into the pan. And then just watches them simmer again. And watched them. And watched them.
“What is that moron doing? I should just put his out of his misery!” Vicious said pulling out his katana and standing up. His crow squawked in agreement.
Spike reached for his gun and pointed it at Vicious. “Sit down and shut up!” Vicious sat down grudgingly. Spike put the gun away.
“He’s gonna disgrace kitchen stadium.” Vicious said under his breath.
“Food food foody food!” Ed sang as she did a weird dance around her side of the kitchen.
The voice emerges again. “Ten minutes left.”
“Rush rush!” Ed chants to herself. She places her last dish, a desert consisting of chocolate covers bellpeppers, onto a plate. And sits back to enjoy watching Jet rush the last ten minutes.
“Well, wow! It looks like Chef Ed has finish already!” Spike comments. “Now we just have to wait for Chef Jet to place his dishes… er… it looks like one dish…his dish on a plate. How is Iron Chef Bellpeppers and Beef gonna win this way?!?!”
“Five minutes left.”
Jet began to pour the contents of his pan onto five plates.
“It looks like our contestants are ready! And I’m certainly ready to eat.” Spike said excited.
The scene changes to the judges and Spike sitting at a long table.
“And now, we will taste the culinary talents of the challenger Chef Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tivrusky 4th.” Spike pointed to a door coming from back stage. Ed didn’t come out. “And now Chef Ed!” Ed still didn’t appear. “Yo! Chef Ed!!! What the hell is going on here!”
The camera zooms backstage. Ed and Ein can be seen eating from plates like wild animals. Ed looks up at the camera. “What? Ed is hungry!”
“Right… we’ll just go straight to the Iron Chef then.”
Jet comes out with his five plates and hands one to each person. “Tonight I have prepared my famous simmered bellpeppers and beef dish.”
Everyone began to eat.
“Wow! The juices of the bellpeppers on the right enhance the nature flavor of the bellpeppers on the left.” Andy complimented Jet, sounding much like an idiot.
“There’s no beef.” Spike grumbled.
“Well you see, I wanted to make a truly authentic dish. Something that any financially challenged bounty hunter would eat.”
“There’s no beef.” Spike repeated. “This is a bellpeppers and beef episode! We even gave you the beef, you-”
Julia interrupted him. “I believe that the texture of these simmered bellpeppers as well as the texture of the onions you added is quite pleasing.”
“I agree.” Vicious smiled at her.
Spike eyed him.
Vicious eyed Spike back.
“After the show. You. Me. Outside.”
“So, what do you think overall?” Jet asked eagerly.
“It tastes like crap!” Spike and Faye said at the same time.
The judges then pulled out their scoring boards.
The scene changes once again back to Spike’s platform in kitchen stadium. Jet stands on his right. Ed stands on his left.
“Tonight, we have experienced the culinary skills of both chefs. Although…” he struggled to get this out without laugh, “…both are quite talented, only one can win. Let’s view the scores for the challenger Chef Ed.”
The scores appear on the screen. “Wow! It looks like Chef Ed has received a perfect score.”
“What-” Jet started.
The scores pop up for the Iron Chef Bellpeppers and Beef. “And our Iron Chef receives a total score of five.”
“I knew he would disgrace us!” Vicious said pulling out his katana and beginning to chase Jet around.
“That isn’t fair! She didn’t even present a dish!” Jet fumed as he attempted to run away from Vicious.
“I guess your dish was just that bad,” Faye uttered.
“For receiving a perfect score, I therefore crown Chef Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tivrusky 4th as the new Iron Chef. Iron Chef Psychedelic Mushroom!”
“Come on sweet cheeks.” Spike told Julia putting his arm around her. They walked off stage leaving Jet to Vicious.