Foolish Games

Strains of a piano drifted through the room, my fingers drifting over the chords like water. I had never had any professional lessons. Everything I learned was from what you showed me. You had taught me so much through out the course of our lives. I guess it’s my turn to teach you a thing or two.

‘You took your coat off and stood in the rain’

It was cold. I hadn’t thought to turn on the heat quite yet. It was only the beginning of October. I hated to be cold. The weatherman had warned of a thunderstorm early that morning, but so far I was only greeted with a steady fall of rain, turning the sidewalks to silver.

‘You were always crazy like that

I watched from my window’

I could you see you out of the corner of my eye, my head bent towards the keys. I tried to concentrate on the notes, but it was hard. I wanted so badly to ignore those amethyst eyes of yours. I wasn’t ready to forgive you. Not yet. You were probably cold; you had stupidly forgotten a jacket. Did you do that on purpose?

‘I always felt I was outside looking in on you’

You held the power here. Not me. I was the one who would have to open the door. I was the one who would have to accept your sad ass apology. But you know, and so do I, that none of that matters. You have the power. You and those damn eyes of yours. Because after one look into them I’ll break down, losing this battle I’ve been fighting so hard. A shiver passed through my form. God, I was so cold.

‘You were always the mysterious one

With dark eyes and careless hair

You were fashionable sensitive but too cool to care’

I remember high school. You made everything look so easy. Good grades, nice family, and you were so beautiful. And you did it all without worrying about what others thought of you. I wanted to be just like you. I wanted to not care. But I did care. And for some strange reason, I cared about you.

‘You stood in my doorway, with nothing to say’

Why did I open the door? Why?! I could have gone on playing, ignoring. But instead I stood and headed straight for the door. You were soaked to the bone, and I was even colder, the October air pushing itself between my bones. And all the while you said nothing. You couldn’t even look at me. I knew what I wanted. But what did you want?

“First rain of the fall,” were your first words. Well fucking hello to you too.

‘Besides some comment on the weather’

I wanted to laugh. Really I did. Here was this girl that I loved with all of my heart, standing at my door. And when she should have apologized, she just talked about rain. Useless fucking rain!

‘Well in case you failed to notice’

I don’t think you had any idea. Playing dumb. That wasn’t like you at all. You used to know me. You used to love me. I hate change.

‘In case you failed to see’

“D-Do you want to come in?” I finally stepped aside, offering her room to step inside. It was more for my benefit than anything else. The cold was becoming too much for me. I was tempted to go pull on a sweater, but I dare not leave the room. I won’t have you leave without another goodbye.

‘This is my heart bleeding before you

This is me down on my knees’

You stepped within the door, giving me room to close the door, locking away the bitter cold from outside. Still, you remained silent. I turned my back and headed for the kitchen, not bothering to ask if you wanted anything. I’m sure coffee was something we both needed. I could feel your eyes on me. Did you see? Did you finally see what’s become of me?

‘These foolish games are tearing me apart

Your thoughtless words are breaking my heart

You’re breaking my heart’

I flipped on the coffee pot, hoping some of the heat would radiate off, warming the room. I turned to see you standing awkwardly in the center of the kitchen, your fingers intertwined behind your back. I gave a half smile as I tossed a towel your way. You didn’t smile in return as you carefully ran the dish towel across the raven tangles atop your head. A memory seemed to resurface from only a month ago.

‘You were always brilliant in the morning’

I remembered sitting in this kitchen with you, a towel draped carelessly over your shoulder, a cigarette hanging from your fingers. A terrible habit that I had begged you to quit over and over again. I would sit across from you, adding sugar and milk to our coffees. A simple task that I had grown accustomed too. You would smile appreciatively at me before taking a sip.

‘Smoking your cigarettes, talking over coffee’

We would talk over silly things like music or art. The topic would drift from one thing to the other. When it came around to your family I tried desperately to change the subject. I hated that you came from so much better than I did. It was just a way to remind me of how much I didn’t deserve you.

‘Your philosophies on art

Baroque moved you

You loved Mozart’

I quickly pulled myself from the memory. What use was there in getting lost in the past, right? I grabbed a couple of mugs from the dishwasher and placed them on the counter. You cast a glance at the cluttered table, and I blushed sheepishly. I wasn’t the tidiest of people. I pushed the sheets of music, and napkins into a pile at one end of the table, and rested the guitar against a wall.

‘And you’d speak of your loved ones as I clumsily strummed my guitar’

I stared at the coffee pot, as if pouring it was life or death decision. This all felt too normal. Like nothing had ever changed. But it did. You came into my life, showed me what kind of person I was, and how I could be different. I fell in love with you and for a short time I thought you loved me too.

‘You’d teach me of honest things’

Don’t you remember the trouble we would get ourselves into as kids? How many times I saved you? How many times you saved me?

‘Things that were daring, things that were clean’

I wanted to scream these questions at you. I wanted to yell, and scream, and cry. I wanted to make you understand.

‘Things that knew what an honest dollar did mean’

But my voice was gone. I just turned to look at you, my hands behind my back. I wanted to wrap my arms around you, but I dare not. The blood that lay across my hands was not worthy of your touch. Besides, I had already decided that what I wanted wasn’t important.

‘So I hid my soiled hands behind my back’

Please tell me why I’ve lost you? Please make me understand. Please tell me. What do you want?

“What do you want?” The words had fallen from my lips before I could stop them. And now I needed the answer, whether you were willing to give it or not.

‘Somewhere along the line I must’ve gone off track with you’

You raised your eyes to me. No tears lay behind them. I could already feel them burning a path down my cheeks. Your eyes held no tears, no remorse, and no regret. I knew then that what you wanted was not me. I turned away, trying to hide the disappointment in my eyes. That wouldn’t be fair to you. You, this girl who I loved and probably always would love, who, for some reason, will never love me back. I didn’t want to know that girl anymore.

‘Excuse me, think I’ve mistaken you for somebody else’

So, no matter how much I wanted you to care, you didn’t. I wanted you to want me. I wanted you to love me. I wanted you to give a fucking damn about something other than yourself for once.

‘Somebody who gave a damn’

I wanted you to be the person that you were. The person I wanted to be. The person that I became.

‘Somebody more like myself’

“I’m sorry,” you speak up. Pathetic. And you know it is too. You know that no matter how much you apologize it will never fix things. Why did you even bother coming here? Coming into my house and bringing that cold October wind with you. Why?

‘These foolish games are tearing me apart

Your thoughtless words are breaking my heart

You’re breaking my heart’

I heard the squeak of your boots as you turned to leave. You, again, left without a goodbye, leaving me alone with two cups of coffee and the ever lingering smell of tobacco. And the cold persisted. I would say that I hope you find happiness, but I really don’t. I hope you’re miserable. I know it’s selfish. Hey, no one’s perfect. Especially not me.

‘You took your coat off and stood in the rain’

Maybe next time you’ll remember a jacket

‘You were always crazy like that’

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