The moon’s reflection shined down on the waves of the
ocean surrounding the tiny island. The evening was quiet
and peaceful. On the island sat the shack known as the
Kame House to its visitors and residents. Only the light
sounds of conversation broke the serenity of the scene.
“I’ll make dinner tonight, Lunch,” Kamesennin offered.
“I didn’t know you could cook,” Lunch told him.
Kamesennin smiled. “I know a thing or two in the kitchen.
Now go rest yourself while I prepare our meal.”
Lunch walked off to her room at the Kame House. She was
glad that the old man was cooking for once.
Kamesennin walked to the kitchen. He looked above the
stove at the cookbooks and realized hat he was unable to
reach them. “So much for the fancy stuff,” Kamesennin
muttered. “I guess I’ll have to stick with what I know.”
He began to gather the items he would need for their meal.
* * *
“Dinner is ready.”
The blue-haired woman emerged from her bedroom and
entered the dining room where she sat down. Kamesennin
brought two steaming bowls the table. He set one down at
his place and the other in front of Lunch.
“Voila,” Kamesennin said with a smirk on his face.
“Enjoy your meal.”
“Thank you,” Lunch replied. She picked up her spoon
and began to eat. “I’ve never had chili beans before.”
“It’s just a little something one of my friends showed
me some time ago.”
After the two finished their meal. Kamesennin took the
dishes into the kitchen.
“That was really good, Kamesennin,” Lunch told him.
“Thanks. I didn’t know how it would taste. It’s been
ages since I last made chili beans,”
Kamesennin informed her.
Lunch let out a huge yawn. “I guess I’ll turn in for
the night. Good night.”
“Good night, Lunch,” he said. The old man looked at
the pile of dishes in the sink. He scratched his head.
“I guess I used more dishes than I thought. Turtle!” he
called to his companion.
A few minutes later, the large turtle walked in. “Yes?”
“Wash these dishes for me. I need to get some sleep.”
“You’re old. You don’t need much sleep. Do it yourself.”
“Just do it.”
“But I don’t even have hands.”
“You’ll figure something out. Good night.” With that,
Turtle looked up at the mound of dishes and sighed.
* * *
Lunch looked into the mirror wearing a green nightgown.
As she rolled up her hair, she felt her stomach rumble.
“That’s strange,” she commented. “I just ate. I shouldn’t
be hungry again already.” Her stomach rumbled again. Lunch
farted loudly and was covered in a cloud of gray smoke.
* * *
Kamesennin jumped from his bed. “Was that an earthquake?”
He stepped out of his room to check on Lunch.
* * *
Turtle hunched over the edge of the sink attempting to
get a grip on the pans. Suddenly he heard a loud explosion.
Everything began to rumble. A cookbook fell off of the
shelf, knocking a pot of leftovers off the stove.
“Maybe I’ll eat before I try to wash the dishes,” he
remarked and moved to the fallen pot.
* * *
The cloud of smoke disappeared and a different but
similarly dressed woman stood staring at the mirror. Her
hips were shapely, her legs slightly longer, and her breasts
nearly bursting from the gown. She stretched her arms and
yawned, looking at her remarkable figure. The woman began
to remove her rollers from her fiery red hair.
“The night is young! I shouldn’t be getting for bed. I
should be looking for some action,” she said in a deep,
Kamesennin knocked on the door. “Are you alright, Lunch?”
“A man!” the woman ran to the door and flung it open. “Hi.”
Kamesennin was shocked to see the woman in front of him.
She wasn’t Lunch or her evil alter ego. He desperately tried
to keep her eyes fixed on hers. “*Her ki is incredibly high!
I better not make her angry.*” “Can I help you, miss?”
“You sure can!” she grabbed Kamesennin and tossed him on
Lunch’s bed, closing and locking the door behind her.
“Lunch, this isn’t like you.”
“The name’s not Lunch,” she informed the aging martial
arts master as she walked toward him as sexily as possible.
“It’s Slatigel.” She crawled on top of Kamesennin, lifted his
chin and gave him a deep passionate kiss. “Did I tell you I
just love bald men?” Kamesennin could hold himself no longer.
His nose exploded in a gusher of blood and he promptly passed
Slatigel dodged the stream and stood up. “That was…boring.”
She looked around Lunch’s room and eyed a small portrait of
Tenshinhan on the bureau.
“What a hunk!” She lifted the picture and pulled out a
stack of papers. Flipping through them, she found poems,
and songs about the triclops along with his address and phone
number. It seems as though somebody’s been stalking Tenshinhan.
Slatigel was glad that someone had left all that information
behind. “I just hope she didn’t get to him first.” She combed
through Lunch’s closet and pulled put a short red dress. “This
should do the trick.”
* * *
Turtle looked up from his meal when he heard the sound of
heels walking through the house. He peaked in the front room
in time to see a woman with a stack of papers walk out of the door.
“*That can’t be Lunch. Kamesennin must be sneaking women
in here again.*” Turtle returned to his meal.
* * *
Slatigel unrolled a map and looked for the forest that
hid Tenshinhan’s cottage.
“Hmm, it must be this way.” She turned to the north
and took off. “Ready or not, lover boy, here I come!”
* * *
The forest was extremely quiet with the exception of a
few nocturnal animals hooting and howling.
“It’s getting late, Chaozu. I think I’ll turn in after I
take a bath.”
“Okay, Ten,” Chaozu acknowledged. “See you tomorrow.”
“Good night. And don’t forget to lock the door this
time,” Tenshinhan reminded his little friend.
“I only forgot once,” Chaozu corrected him as Tenshinhan
walked into the cottage. The dwarf leaned against a tree
and fell asleep.
* * *
Slatigel paused for a moment to survey the forest below.
She spotted the cottage on a small clearing. “That must be
it.” She swooped down to prepare for her attack.
* * *
Chaozu awoke to the presence of an enormous ki. He
looked up to see Slatigel approaching the cottage. “Can
I help you?”
Slatigel froze and turned in his direction. “Who
“I’m Chaozu. Who are you?”
“I’m Slatigel. Do you live here?”
Slatigel raised an eyebrow. “Does a Tenshinhan live here?”
Chaozu nodded again.
Slatigel raised both eyebrows. “Are you two roommates?”
“Yes. What’s with all the questions?” Chaozu asked in return.
“*Please don’t let him be gay,*” Slatigel prayed silently.
“I’m here to meet him.”
“Ten wasn’t expecting any company.”
“He’ll be glad to see me.” Slatigel smirked and continued
toward the house.
Chaozu floated toward Slatigel and grabbed her shoulder.
“Let me ask if he knows you first.”
Slatigel grabbed him by the neck, her expression murderous.
“Listen, you deformed mime. I came here for a good time and
I’m not leaving until I have one. Do you understand?” Slatigel
released Chaozu and he fell to the ground. “Oops! I think was
too rough with him.
Slatigel stepped into the house and made her way upstairs,
following the sound of running water. She opened the door to
the bathroom to see Tenshinhan asleep in a tub of water, his
clothes neatly folded in a nearby basket.
Slatigel smiled. “Is there room for two?”
Her words startled Tenshinhan. All three of his eyes snapped
open. “Who the Hell are you?”
“I’m Slatigel.” She loosened the straps on her dress. “How
would you like to have some fun?”
Tenshinhan jumped from the tub and quickly pulled on a pair
of green pants.
“Don’t cover up all of that manliness.” Slatigel wrapped her
arms around him and started to kiss his neck. Tenshinhan broke
“I…I’m not quite sure who you are,” he stuttered, “but you
better leave at once or else…”
“Or else what?” Slatigel lunged at him. Tenshinhan dodged the
attack and bolted from the bathroom.
“You can run, but you can’t hide!” Slatigel slipped her straps
back on and followed him. She chased him down the stairs and
through the open front door.
Tenshinhan performed his tri-form technique and split into
three people. “You can’t chase after me now,” they said in unison.
Slatigel smirked. “You think so?” She screamed at the top of
her lungs and mimicked his move.
A look of shock came across Tenshinhan’s faces. “How?”
“Don’t ask questions! Just come here!” Each Slatigel charged
toward one Tenshinhan.
The three men floated high into the air and merged back to one.
“I know you can’t catch me up here.”
“You seem to be underestimating me,” the Slatigels told the
airborne man. Two of them walked toward the stationary woman and
remerged. “Big mistake!” She charged into the air and attempted
to grab Tenshinhan again. He dodged her and flew off across
“Playing hard to get only turns me on!” she shouted and
pursued her elusive catch. She stopped in mid flight and stomach
She clutched her stomach in pain. “What’s…happening…
to…me?! Aaaaah!” Tenshinhan stopped, wondering what was wrong
with his attacker.
Slatigel farted instantly reverting to Lunch, quickly
realizing that she couldn’t fly. Lunch flapped her arms and fell
straight to the ground.
“Ten! Help me!”
Tenshinhan was bewildered. “Lunch?” He jetted to the helpless
girl, catching Lunch just before she hit the ground. He flew high
into the air. The confused girl farted again. “My hero.” Slatigel
grabbed the back of Tenshinhan’s neck and pulled him in for a kiss,
invading his mouth her tongue. Tenshinhan tried to drop her,
forgetting that Slatigel could fly. He pushed her away.
“You! You must be Lunch’s third personality!” he accused.
“You fool!” Slatigel chided. “There is no more Lunch, only
me. I have control over my transformation now. Slatigel will
live forevermore and I will chase you ’til the end of the world
and then some. You will be mine!”
“Not if I have anything to say about it!” Tenshinhan flew
back to the house and locked the door behind him. He ran upstairs
to the bathroom. Slatigel kicked down he front door and followed
Slatigel locked the door. “There’s no escape this time.”
Tenshinhan slammed the medicine cabinet shut and put hid his
right hand behind his back. “*Forgive me for what I am about to
do.*” He caught Slatigel by surprise and punched her in the stomach.
Her mouth gaped open and she farted.
“*I’ve only got one chance!*” He reached back and hurled a
tiny pill down Lunch’s throat. Tenshinhan got into a fighting
stance and prepared for the worst. A minute passed. Lunch stared
blankly at him.
“Ten, what am I doing here? And why am I dressed like this?” she
asked, pulling her dress down.
Tenshinhan breathed a sigh of relief. “I’ll explain on the way
back to the Kame House.” “*Thank God for Beano.*”
* * *
Tenshinhan knocked on the door of the Kame house. Kamesennin
answered. The old man had two pieces of red and white toilet
paper shoved up his nostrils.
“Lunch, where have you been?”
She blushed. “It’s a long story, Kamesennin.” She and
“So it wasn’t a dream?” The old man shook her head. “Well,
that explains why I woke up in Lunch’s room.”
“I’m starved, Kame. Do you have anything to eat?” Chaozu,
whom Tenshinhan had found unconscious outside, asked.
“I should have some chili beans left over. Would you like some?”
“No! That’s okay.”
“Just try some. You might like it.” He led the group to the
kitchen to see Turtle flopped on his back, groaning and moaning
next to an empty pot of beans.
He lowered his tail. “Look out!”
And from outside the Kame House, an explosion and a hole being
blown through a wall of the shack shattered the peaceful scene.