Lunch’s Hidden Secret

The moon’s reflection shined down on the waves of the

ocean surrounding the tiny island. The evening was quiet

and peaceful. On the island sat the shack known as the

Kame House to its visitors and residents. Only the light

sounds of conversation broke the serenity of the scene.

“I’ll make dinner tonight, Lunch,” Kamesennin offered.

“I didn’t know you could cook,” Lunch told him.

Kamesennin smiled. “I know a thing or two in the kitchen.

Now go rest yourself while I prepare our meal.”

Lunch walked off to her room at the Kame House. She was

glad that the old man was cooking for once.

Kamesennin walked to the kitchen. He looked above the

stove at the cookbooks and realized hat he was unable to

reach them. “So much for the fancy stuff,” Kamesennin

muttered. “I guess I’ll have to stick with what I know.”

He began to gather the items he would need for their meal.

* * *

“Dinner is ready.”

The blue-haired woman emerged from her bedroom and

entered the dining room where she sat down. Kamesennin

brought two steaming bowls the table. He set one down at

his place and the other in front of Lunch.

“Voila,” Kamesennin said with a smirk on his face.

“Enjoy your meal.”

“Thank you,” Lunch replied. She picked up her spoon

and began to eat. “I’ve never had chili beans before.”

“It’s just a little something one of my friends showed

me some time ago.”

After the two finished their meal. Kamesennin took the

dishes into the kitchen.

“That was really good, Kamesennin,” Lunch told him.

“Thanks. I didn’t know how it would taste. It’s been

ages since I last made chili beans,”

Kamesennin informed her.

Lunch let out a huge yawn. “I guess I’ll turn in for

the night. Good night.”

“Good night, Lunch,” he said. The old man looked at

the pile of dishes in the sink. He scratched his head.

“I guess I used more dishes than I thought. Turtle!” he

called to his companion.

A few minutes later, the large turtle walked in. “Yes?”

“Wash these dishes for me. I need to get some sleep.”

“You’re old. You don’t need much sleep. Do it yourself.”

“Just do it.”

“But I don’t even have hands.”

“You’ll figure something out. Good night.” With that,

Kamesennin left.

Turtle looked up at the mound of dishes and sighed.

* * *

Lunch looked into the mirror wearing a green nightgown.

As she rolled up her hair, she felt her stomach rumble.

“That’s strange,” she commented. “I just ate. I shouldn’t

be hungry again already.” Her stomach rumbled again. Lunch

farted loudly and was covered in a cloud of gray smoke.

* * *

Kamesennin jumped from his bed. “Was that an earthquake?”

He stepped out of his room to check on Lunch.

* * *

Turtle hunched over the edge of the sink attempting to

get a grip on the pans. Suddenly he heard a loud explosion.

Everything began to rumble. A cookbook fell off of the

shelf, knocking a pot of leftovers off the stove.

“Maybe I’ll eat before I try to wash the dishes,” he

remarked and moved to the fallen pot.

* * *

The cloud of smoke disappeared and a different but

similarly dressed woman stood staring at the mirror. Her

hips were shapely, her legs slightly longer, and her breasts

nearly bursting from the gown. She stretched her arms and

yawned, looking at her remarkable figure. The woman began

to remove her rollers from her fiery red hair.

“The night is young! I shouldn’t be getting for bed. I

should be looking for some action,” she said in a deep,

seductive voice.

Kamesennin knocked on the door. “Are you alright, Lunch?”

“A man!” the woman ran to the door and flung it open. “Hi.”

Kamesennin was shocked to see the woman in front of him.

She wasn’t Lunch or her evil alter ego. He desperately tried

to keep her eyes fixed on hers. “*Her ki is incredibly high!

I better not make her angry.*” “Can I help you, miss?”

“You sure can!” she grabbed Kamesennin and tossed him on

Lunch’s bed, closing and locking the door behind her.

“Lunch, this isn’t like you.”

“The name’s not Lunch,” she informed the aging martial

arts master as she walked toward him as sexily as possible.

“It’s Slatigel.” She crawled on top of Kamesennin, lifted his

chin and gave him a deep passionate kiss. “Did I tell you I

just love bald men?” Kamesennin could hold himself no longer.

His nose exploded in a gusher of blood and he promptly passed


Slatigel dodged the stream and stood up. “That was…boring.”

She looked around Lunch’s room and eyed a small portrait of

Tenshinhan on the bureau.

“What a hunk!” She lifted the picture and pulled out a

stack of papers. Flipping through them, she found poems,

and songs about the triclops along with his address and phone

number. It seems as though somebody’s been stalking Tenshinhan.

Slatigel was glad that someone had left all that information

behind. “I just hope she didn’t get to him first.” She combed

through Lunch’s closet and pulled put a short red dress. “This

should do the trick.”

* * *

Turtle looked up from his meal when he heard the sound of

heels walking through the house. He peaked in the front room

in time to see a woman with a stack of papers walk out of the door.

“*That can’t be Lunch. Kamesennin must be sneaking women

in here again.*” Turtle returned to his meal.

* * *

Slatigel unrolled a map and looked for the forest that

hid Tenshinhan’s cottage.

“Hmm, it must be this way.” She turned to the north

and took off. “Ready or not, lover boy, here I come!”

* * *

The forest was extremely quiet with the exception of a

few nocturnal animals hooting and howling.

“It’s getting late, Chaozu. I think I’ll turn in after I

take a bath.”

“Okay, Ten,” Chaozu acknowledged. “See you tomorrow.”

“Good night. And don’t forget to lock the door this

time,” Tenshinhan reminded his little friend.

“I only forgot once,” Chaozu corrected him as Tenshinhan

walked into the cottage. The dwarf leaned against a tree

and fell asleep.

* * *

Slatigel paused for a moment to survey the forest below.

She spotted the cottage on a small clearing. “That must be

it.” She swooped down to prepare for her attack.

* * *

Chaozu awoke to the presence of an enormous ki. He

looked up to see Slatigel approaching the cottage. “Can

I help you?”

Slatigel froze and turned in his direction. “Who

are you?”

“I’m Chaozu. Who are you?”

“I’m Slatigel. Do you live here?”

Chaozu nodded.

Slatigel raised an eyebrow. “Does a Tenshinhan live here?”

Chaozu nodded again.

Slatigel raised both eyebrows. “Are you two roommates?”

“Yes. What’s with all the questions?” Chaozu asked in return.

“*Please don’t let him be gay,*” Slatigel prayed silently.

“I’m here to meet him.”

“Ten wasn’t expecting any company.”

“He’ll be glad to see me.” Slatigel smirked and continued

toward the house.

Chaozu floated toward Slatigel and grabbed her shoulder.

“Let me ask if he knows you first.”

Slatigel grabbed him by the neck, her expression murderous.

“Listen, you deformed mime. I came here for a good time and

I’m not leaving until I have one. Do you understand?” Slatigel

released Chaozu and he fell to the ground. “Oops! I think was

too rough with him.

Slatigel stepped into the house and made her way upstairs,

following the sound of running water. She opened the door to

the bathroom to see Tenshinhan asleep in a tub of water, his

clothes neatly folded in a nearby basket.

Slatigel smiled. “Is there room for two?”

Her words startled Tenshinhan. All three of his eyes snapped

open. “Who the Hell are you?”

“I’m Slatigel.” She loosened the straps on her dress. “How

would you like to have some fun?”

Tenshinhan jumped from the tub and quickly pulled on a pair

of green pants.

“Don’t cover up all of that manliness.” Slatigel wrapped her

arms around him and started to kiss his neck. Tenshinhan broke

the embrace.

“I…I’m not quite sure who you are,” he stuttered, “but you

better leave at once or else…”

“Or else what?” Slatigel lunged at him. Tenshinhan dodged the

attack and bolted from the bathroom.

“You can run, but you can’t hide!” Slatigel slipped her straps

back on and followed him. She chased him down the stairs and

through the open front door.

Tenshinhan performed his tri-form technique and split into

three people. “You can’t chase after me now,” they said in unison.

Slatigel smirked. “You think so?” She screamed at the top of

her lungs and mimicked his move.

A look of shock came across Tenshinhan’s faces. “How?”

“Don’t ask questions! Just come here!” Each Slatigel charged

toward one Tenshinhan.

The three men floated high into the air and merged back to one.

“I know you can’t catch me up here.”

“You seem to be underestimating me,” the Slatigels told the

airborne man. Two of them walked toward the stationary woman and

remerged. “Big mistake!” She charged into the air and attempted

to grab Tenshinhan again. He dodged her and flew off across

the forest.

“Playing hard to get only turns me on!” she shouted and

pursued her elusive catch. She stopped in mid flight and stomach

rumbled loudly.

She clutched her stomach in pain. “What’s…happening…

to…me?! Aaaaah!” Tenshinhan stopped, wondering what was wrong

with his attacker.

Slatigel farted instantly reverting to Lunch, quickly

realizing that she couldn’t fly. Lunch flapped her arms and fell

straight to the ground.

“Ten! Help me!”

Tenshinhan was bewildered. “Lunch?” He jetted to the helpless

girl, catching Lunch just before she hit the ground. He flew high

into the air. The confused girl farted again. “My hero.” Slatigel

grabbed the back of Tenshinhan’s neck and pulled him in for a kiss,

invading his mouth her tongue. Tenshinhan tried to drop her,

forgetting that Slatigel could fly. He pushed her away.

“You! You must be Lunch’s third personality!” he accused.

“You fool!” Slatigel chided. “There is no more Lunch, only

me. I have control over my transformation now. Slatigel will

live forevermore and I will chase you ’til the end of the world

and then some. You will be mine!”

“Not if I have anything to say about it!” Tenshinhan flew

back to the house and locked the door behind him. He ran upstairs

to the bathroom. Slatigel kicked down he front door and followed


Slatigel locked the door. “There’s no escape this time.”

Tenshinhan slammed the medicine cabinet shut and put hid his

right hand behind his back. “*Forgive me for what I am about to

do.*” He caught Slatigel by surprise and punched her in the stomach.

Her mouth gaped open and she farted.

“*I’ve only got one chance!*” He reached back and hurled a

tiny pill down Lunch’s throat. Tenshinhan got into a fighting

stance and prepared for the worst. A minute passed. Lunch stared

blankly at him.

“Ten, what am I doing here? And why am I dressed like this?” she

asked, pulling her dress down.

Tenshinhan breathed a sigh of relief. “I’ll explain on the way

back to the Kame House.” “*Thank God for Beano.*”

* * *

Tenshinhan knocked on the door of the Kame house. Kamesennin

answered. The old man had two pieces of red and white toilet

paper shoved up his nostrils.

“Lunch, where have you been?”

She blushed. “It’s a long story, Kamesennin.” She and

Tenshinhan explained.

“So it wasn’t a dream?” The old man shook her head. “Well,

that explains why I woke up in Lunch’s room.”

“I’m starved, Kame. Do you have anything to eat?” Chaozu,

whom Tenshinhan had found unconscious outside, asked.

“I should have some chili beans left over. Would you like some?”

“No! That’s okay.”

“Just try some. You might like it.” He led the group to the

kitchen to see Turtle flopped on his back, groaning and moaning

next to an empty pot of beans.

He lowered his tail. “Look out!”


And from outside the Kame House, an explosion and a hole being

blown through a wall of the shack shattered the peaceful scene.

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