How long has it been now? Two weeks? Yes, two weeks of perfection with him and I sitting under the naked trees with crunchy red and orange leaves around us. Everyday was fine, as long as he was there. Even if I happened to get in trouble with Snape, as long as I saw him, it was fine. Even if a million or a trillion of Millicent’s buttons were flashed in my face, it wouldn’t matter, as long as I saw him.
This may sound corny, but to me, he was like my breath of life everyday. You could say, I was hopelessly in love now. Yes, it is rather pitiful, but that’s alright, I love him. Never have I felt this way before. It was never this magical, never this surreal.
And yet as deep as we were, he was still a mystery to me.
His eyes, how many times have I looked into them? Uncountable amount of times…and yet everytime I look into them, they always hold something different. A new meaning, a new emotion. And I’d have to figure it out all over again.
He was still Harry Potter though. And now, I’ve realized that I only know him, as my boyfriend. I’ve also realized, that it’s only me that runs to him with my pain and sorrows. He has never run into my arms, and asked “‘Mione, what should I do now? I don’t know what to do.” As close as I feel with him, even when I’m in the warmth of his embrace, there’s still something there.
Something there, blocking me from him.
It’s almost like I can only get to one side of him, the outer side of him, while I yearn to know what is inside. He hardly tells me what he feels, if he’s happy, or sad. But when he’s with me, I like to think that he is happy. And yet I’ve realized…I can’t be too sure about that. Perhaps his smiles are not real, perhaps his blank looks meant something; but I didn’t know, I couldn’t tell.
Because he wouldn’t open up to me.
Sometimes, I think he is opening up to me. Letting the walls crumble around him. But afterwards, I realize that’s not it. It was just a fake. It was like he just opened a window for me, to satisfy my yearn of wanting to know him.
The Harry I knew was sweet, caring, a person that listened to me when I wanted to spill my heart out. The person that made everything alright with just a simple kiss on the forehead. But I realized, he knew me. But did I know him?
He knew me. The me that had worries, frustrations. The me that was happy, wanting a bright future. He knew all sides of my story, he knew me because I let him know me. I opened my doors for him, for him to peer in and read me like a book. But he did not. He was still that mysterious boy, even if he was not cloaked in the shadows.
He was still distant in the strangest ways.
He was still something to be discovered.
And I really want to know him.
“There you are, ‘Mione. I’ve been looking for you.”
I didn’t need to turn around to know who it was. I could feel him. Could feel his presence, and if he stepped into a room with a million people in it, I would still know it was him. “Hello, Harry.”
I felt his smooth fingers lace into my wavy hair. His fingers were long, and smooth, perfect Seeker hands. I could feel him shuffling behind me, as he turned my chair around to face him. He smiled lightly, planting a feather light kiss on my nose. “Tomorrow’s the Halloween Dance.”
“I know,” I spoke in a whisper, I didn’t know why. Perhaps I was scared that if I spoke too loudly, I would shatter this moment, this specific piece of time.
“I noticed that I haven’t asked you formally yet,” He said sheepishly, “to go to the dance with me.”
The look on his face showed worry, insecurity. That expression was often on his face, but I couldn’t understand why. “You don’t need to ask.”
“Oh, but I do,” Harry squeezed my right hand gently. “Just for reassurance. Will you go to the dance with me, Hermione Granger?”
I coudn’t conceal my giggles as I nodded, “Of course, you silly child.”
“I’m not a child,” He muttered.
I laughed as he pouted playfully. These were the times that I felt were what you could call bliss. It was also the times that I felt close with him. The times that I felt I could possibly open the doors to him and look inside.
“Harry…” I began softly.
He looked at me as he crouched down to be eye level with my sitting form. “Hmm?”
“…Let’s talk,” I suggested casually.
Harry raised an eyebrow. “Don’t we always?”
I blinked, and suddenly he almost looked scared. “You…is it something bad?” He mumbled.
“No! No…nothing bad,” I offered him a reassuring smile as he lifted his gaze to me again. He nodded, “Alright…let’s talk.”
“I’m Hermione Granger,” I blurted out without a thought.
Harry pulled up a chair form behind and sat down, looking at me curiously. “I know that ‘Mione…did you think I would forget your name?” He chuckled.
“Well…” I took a breath. “Who are you?” I questioned steadily, never looking away from his eyes that I coudn’t read at the moment.
He shuffled his feet around, sinking into the cushioned chair. “I’m….Harry. Harry Potter.”
I smiled gently. “I know that Harry. What I mean is…well, what I meant to say is that..I feel as if, I don’t know you all that much afterall.”
“…What do you mean?” He asked, his eyes widening ever so slightly.
I swallowed, “You know me, right?” He nodded. “And…that’s because I..open up to you. I tell you what I feel, if I’m down or up. I tell you about my family, and I tell you about my life…”
He suddenly stood up, his eyes darting about from my face to a random spot in the library, and finally back to me face- my eyes. It was then that I could clearly see an emotion in his blazing eyes. They were wide, they were shining a bright bright green. They looked…scared? Angry? A mix of emotions but they didn’t look positive. I shrunk into my chair, suddenly feeling small under his towering height and his wide open eyes.
“You know me Hermione. You know me,” He was saying almost desperately.
I bit my lip, “Harry…”
His hands were suddenly enclosed around mine, his smooth fingers suddenly felt hard and stony, his grip was tight. He stared at me now, his eyes suddenly void of emotion. “Would you want to know me? Do you want to know me?” He was speaking very quickly, it was hard to catch onto his words.
He let go of my hands, I let out a breath. He stumbled back a few steps as I tried to regain myself from shock at his sudden behavior. “If you don’t know me…no one does.” He said shakily, running his hand nervously through his midnight black hair.
I sucked in a breath, my eyes darting frantically from his scar to his eyes. “I’m sorry..” I didn’t know why I was apologizing, perhaps it was just instinct. I didn’t mean to make him mad, I didn’t want to get him mad. I didn’t know this would get him mad. “I’m sorry..” I repeated.
He dropped his hands limply to his sides and crouched down again. He tilted my chin up, and suddenly grasped my face towards his and I felt his soft lips pressing down on mine- hard, desperately, as if he was trying to get something from within me. I gasped, kissing him back but at the same time struggling to breathe.
“Hermione,” He said in between breaths.
“Mmm hmm,” was all I could muster from the sudden forceful contact that we were still in.
“You…want…to know..me?” He had his fingers interlaced with my hair now, my knees digging into his broad chest.
I didn’t know how to reply, and all of a sudden he stopped and stood up abruptly. “You can’t.” He croaked. “You can’t.”
“…Why?” I started but he brought his fingers to my lips. I fell silent.
“You can’t know me,” He said, in a strangely quiet tone. “You can’t…because I don’t even know.”
I looked up at him, brought my hands to the shape of his face, my chest heaving up and down steadily. “It’s…ok Harry. Everything’s ok…forget it…”
“No,” He covered my hands with his. They were shaking. “No. I can’t forget. I want to know. I want to know who I am, but I don’t know.”
“Harry..?” I was scared, this wasn’t Harry. Wasn’t the Harry I thought I knew. The Harry that was composed, never the one to be scared, never the one to be lost. “No, you do know. You’re Harry. I was stupid. I was asking a stupid question, of course I know you. I didn’t know what I was saying, please…”
“…I’m Harry Potter. That’s all I am,” He said it as if it was shameful. “Nothing but Harry Potter.”
“…What do you mean? You are Harry Potter, the boy who lived, the boy who saved the wizarding world..”
He pulled away, falling down onto the tiled floor of the library. “Is that how you see me? As Harry Potter?” He looked almost bitter, his eyes narrowed.
I was confused, I couldn’t understand the emotions that coursed through his eyes. There were so many- confusion, anger, he was lost? But so was I. I was trying to reach him, but he didn’t want to be reached. “When you claim to know me, is it just..Harry Potter that you know?” He asked.
I shook my head, “No. I know you as…Harry. My Harry, the Harry that stuck by my side through everything…”
“Really..” He looked dazed, as if he was swimming out of a trance. “Hermione…Hermione…”
I dropped onto my knees, in the same position as him on the ground. If anyone walked in on us now, it would look rather strange, but that didn’t matter. “I’m here…right here.”
“I’m sorry Hermione,” He looked calm now, his chest was heaving up and down at a steady pace. “I…I didn’t know what came over me,” He laughed dryly. “I don’t know.” He shook his head. “I was scared, scared that you didin’t know me. You’re the only one, you know? That has ever seen me, been with me. This is the most I’ve ever given anyone…do you know that? You’re the only one that I’ve ever let my guard down upon…no one else. No one else deserves the trust I give you, don’t you understand?”
“Good…” He stood up slowly, sticking out a hand for me to take. I took it and he helped me up. “And if you want more from me, I’m sorry but I might not be able to do that. Not now..” He almost had that bitter look on him again, but it quickly washed away as he tucked a strand of my lose hair behind my ear, his hand brushing the edges of my ear softly. “Remember that, you’re the only one that I trust. I trust you.”
“Shh…” He brought his hands behind me back, pressing me gently into him as I brought my hands up around him, falling into his embrace. “Everything’s alright..you just didn’t know that you were special. Didn’t know that you were the only one that deserved my trust…” He sounded as if he were reassuring himself, but I was feeling so tired I couldn’t think clearly.
I closed my eyes, breathing in his scent as we pulled back to face each other again. “Smile for me?” He tilted his head.
I lifted my head, felt my lips spread into a small smile as he smiled back. “Thank you ‘Mione.”
“For smiling for me,” He stuck his hands into his pockets. “I like to think…that I’m special to you too. That I’m the one you truly think deserves to see your smile…”
“Oh…” I said breathlessly. “You are special….I save all my smiles for you. Only you.” I uttered, suddenly dazed but looking into his eyes told me it was the right thing to say. I think.
He grinned, “Only me, ‘Mione?”
Eversince that event, I was shocked. I felt shocked. I felt….seperated from myself. I didn’t feel like myself, I felt like I wasn’t making my own choices, walking my own steps. Even if I’m just sitting infront of the mirror in the washroom, I felt like it wasn’t me staring back. I didn’t know why, but I just felt…different.
And then there was Harry…always Harry in the back of mind. Every corner I turned, I thought of Harry. I thought of saving all my smiles for my Harry. Harry…even if I didn’t get him to open up to me, I felt like what had happened…said alot already. Told me that he was insecure, lost…didn’t like who he was? Though I didn’t understand why he didn’t like being thought of as Harry.
Harry Potter, who wouldn’t die to be in his shoes? He was famous, he was loved by the wizarding world, yet he was bitter towards that. Why? I didn’t know why, but I knew I had to be there for him, to help him smile, to help him find…himself. The person he wanted to be.
So here I sat, infront of the mirror of the Gryffindor girl’s washroom, staring lazily into my reflection. The dance was tonight, everyone was running about with dress robes screwn about on the floor and squeals of delight from every room. Yet here I sat, with my school robes still on and a brush in my hand.
There was a knock at the door. “Hermione? Are you still in there?”
“Mm hmm,” I replied, running the brush through my tangled hair.
“Can I come in?”
It was Lavender, much to my surprise I had thought the voice belonged to Parvati. I sighed, I was not in the mood to bicker. “Oh, Lavender, what is it now?”
She looked nervously at me from the mirror, and I noticed that she had already changed into pretty turquoise robes with matching earrings that dangled around her ears. Her shiny blonde hair was piled up on her head in a messy bun which gave her an elegant touch. “You look very pretty,” I commented, although we still weren’t on good terms with each other.
“You do too,” she answered.
I laughed, “I haven’t changed yet!”
“That’s alright,” she came closer, her heels clicking. “Need some help?”
I looked at her, surprised. She smiled, her lips a rosy red, “I’ve been acting very silly for the past few weeks. I’m sorry Hermione, I didn’t take it very maturely as I should have.”
My lips parted in shock, yet they closed when I couldn’t find the right words to say. Lavender simply took the brush out of my hands and ran it through my hair. “So, what are you going to wear?”
I smiled, “I don’t know. That’s the problem, I’m really messed aren’t I?”
She giggled, that familiar Lavender giggle. “Oh, I’m sure we could use some magic,” She winked.
I quirked an eyebrow at her as she laughed, “We wouldn’t want to disappoint Mr. Potter, would we?”
I laughed along with her, watching as she pulled out her wand. “We’re going to make you the prettiest little witch of the night!”
“Yes, we!” Parvati appeared behind Lavender, closely followed by a smiling Ginny in emerald green robes that matched her hair perfectly.
I gazed at them in shock, “Are you all serious?”
“Of course we are! Now stand up!” Parvati waved her hands around, her cerulean blue sparkly robes shimmered.
I stood up slowly, watching as they circled me in deep thought. “Oh please, don’t add anything with frills.”
Ginny waved her wand around me, “How about this?”
My normal black school robes shimmered and suddenly the black faded into a pretty light lavender colour. Lavender placed a finger under her chin, “Hmmm no, that’s too…me.”
Ginny shrugged, “Fine! Let’s see you come up with something else.”
Parvati stepped up, and waved her wand lightly. “How about this?’
The lavender shimmered and faded into a deep maroon colour. Ginny stared and shook her head, “No! No!! That just..looks too medieval.”
I rolled my eyes, quite liking the colour but found it rather amusing at how my three friends were bickering about. “No, let’s try this!” Lavender raised her wand and my robes instantly turned into a China red with white polka-dots. I groaned, “Oh god. I look like I’m wearing Minnie Mouse’s skirt.”
“What? Who’s Minnie Mouse?” Ginny stared.
I waved my hand lightly, “Oh, muggle stuff.”
Lavender made a face, “Oops, that went wrong.”
I sighed, taking out my own wand. “How about I design my own robes? Alright?”
“Oh but it was getting so fun!” Parvati whined, twirling a bit of her copper brown hair.
Ginny crossed her arms, “Very well, let’s leave Ms. Potter alone.”
“Ms. Potter?” I repeated.
Lavender laughed as they went out the door. “We get to do your hair though! Alright?”
“Fine,” I replied as I closed the door.
Peace at last.
I stared at my image, turning around and inspecting myself. I waved my wand several times over my robes, projecting an image in my mind then waving my wand over them. Yet nothing seemed to please me. Nothing seemed good enough.
Purple made me look too dark. Black was too plain. I liked periwinkle blue, but many of my dress robes were in that colour. I wanted a change.
Finally, I waved my wand over myself without really a thought in particular, and I found myself rather pleased.
I stood in white high heels that were strapped to my feet. I was clad in white shimmering robes made of soft silk with a shawl draped daintly along my arms made of a translucent material. I shifted about, the light caught at the material of my robes and casted different colours along the shiny material. My ears wore dangly earrings that had the shape of a star at the bottom. My neck wore a thin silver chain with a matching shooting star at the centre.
My hair hung loosely around me, not as wavy as before. It looked almost longer…down to my waist in nice straight sheets. I smiled, liking what smiled back at me from the mirror as I stepped out of the washroom.
Lavender stood up from her bed and stared at me while Ginny looked up from a novel she was reading. Parvati simply stared, yet she was the first to find her voice. “Hermione?”
“Hello,” I waved, smiling. “What do you think?”
“Perfect,” Lavender whispered.
Ginny squinted, “Whoa, what material is that Herms? It looks like you’re almost…glowing.”
“I don’t know,” I replied truthfully. “I just…I don’t know! Bam, it just appeared.” I grinned, pocketing my wand.
“Angelic, really,” Lavender added in awe. “Guess we don’t have to do your hair.” She eyed my straight hair. “You’re just missing a halo.”
I laughed as Ginny just shook her head. “Oh I can’t wait until he sees you like this!”
“HERMIONE GRANGER? Is that you?” Seamus Finnigan came strolling up to me with Padma Patil hooked around his arm. I had just entered the Great Hall with Ginny. The room had been transformed into a beautiful ballroom with pumpkins and floating bats. The house tables were gone, except one of them with an assortment of different foods along the table, like a buffet.
I laughed, “Yes, it’s me.”
Padma hit him in the shoulder. “Are you hitting on her? Remember, you’re my date.” She pouted.
Seamus chuckled, “Of course, dear lady.”
Parvati’s twin smiled as Dean came up to us. “Hullo there everyone!” He whistled. “Looky here, beautiful young ladies! That’s one of the reasons I love dances.” He looked from Ginny to me and suddenly asked, “What do you say when you meet an angel?”
Everyone stared at him. Dean started laughing, “Halo! Get it? Halo!” He broke into a fit of laughter again as everyone remained silent and stared at him.
“I’m so glad I’m not his date,” Padma commented as she looked at Seamus. “I’m hungry.’
“Well then, let us depart to the buffet table?” He offered his arm for her and she took it daintly, the two sweeping away.
I rolled my eyes lightly as Ginny giggled, “Oooh I wonder where Harry is?”
“..I don’t know,” I suddenly realized he was no where in sight.
Yet, as if on cue, I felt a tap on my shoulder as I spun around and felt myself falling into the green flecks of his eyes. He looked taller, for some reason, with his hair still a messy mass, yet he was clad in deep forest green dress robes that matched his deep eyes perfectly. I didn’t know what he did, but he looked very charming indeed. “You’re very beautiful ‘Mione…” He said gently.
Ginny giggled from beside me as Harry flicked his eyes towards her. “Ginny Weasley?”
She nodded, surprised that he knew her name. He nodded curtly, “I have heard of you from ‘Mione.”
I smiled, tugging my shawl closer around myself as Harry took my hand into his. “Would you like to dance?”
I nodded, suddenly red in the cheeks as he swept me off towards the centre of the room where only a few couples were dancing. Yet everything and everyone seemed to stop as we started dancing. Swaying in tune with the gentle music, in time with each other’s feet, it was as if we were meant to dance this way. To dance together, and only with each other.
I felt his soft breath on my bare neck, I felt my heart beating evently against my rib cage…and that was when I heard someone clear their throat. It was Justin.
“May I cut in?” He said politely to Harry then glanced at me with a bright smile.
Harry’s grip tightened around my waist as he pulled me closer, almost possessively. He didn’t reply.
Justin tapped his foot, looking oddly at Harry. “Er…perhaps you didn’t hear me but, may I..”
And Harry didn’t let him finish for he had took my hand and was beginning to walk away. I looked over my shoulder, at Justin’s confused expression, then back at Harry’s who’s eyes seemed ablaze again.
“I don’t like him,” He muttered fiercely once we were away from the rest of the crowd. “I don’t like him.” He repeated under his breath.
I looked up at him, “…Harry, it’s just Justin.”
“I don’t like him, I don’t like anyone that tries to get too close to you ‘Mione…” He said gently, pressing me close to him again. “Don’t you understand?”
I gripped tightly at my shawl as if it were my life. “Oh Harry, it’s not like I’ll fall in love with him!” I joked.
Harry tensed, I felt it under me as he looked at me. “Of course you won’t…of course you won’t fall in love with him,” He mumbled, caressing my cheek.
I nodded gently as he suddenly took something out of his pocket. It was a necklace, on a thin gold chain with a white lily flower in the middle. He reached around my neck, clasping the necklace on. “For you, ‘Mione.”
“…Thank you,” I fingered the pendant thoughtfully in my fingers.
“It was my mother’s.” He said in a barely audible voice.
“Oh Harry…I don’t deserve this then..”
“No, you do,” He said quickly. “Much more than me even. It was all my fault….”
“My mother…” His eyes fell. “Nevermind. Just promise me, you won’t leave me?”
I could’ve swore I had seen something no one else had seen. He had opened his doors for a brief second and had closed it as soon as it had opened. I sighed disappointedly, but nodded, “I promise.”
“Good…that’s good then,” He dropped his hand from my cheek. “Because I wouldn’t be able to take it if you left me..”